The Things They Don't Tell You

For three years, I took Effexor XR 300mg/day.

The thing they don't tell you, is you will want to come off of it one day.

I shopped psychotropics, they worked then didn't. When I began the Effexor regimen, it was at a lower dose; we (Dr. and I) kept increasing based on results. How soon until I could get out of bed on my own? How many milligrams until I felt like washing my hair, until I could talk to friends and strangers, could I look them in the face, did I notice they were there? How much until the veil lifted?

I'm not really ready for that part of the past--the how I got there and where did I go. I'm somewhere else now, back to living med-free.

The thing they don't tell you, is if you miss one dose you will be blind-sided by pain, your head will spin, you forget where you are, how to speak, what are the words. If you miss a does you will burst into tears when you see a man miss the bus home after a day of work and try to run it down. When you miss a dose you will forget to get up from bed for hours, maybe even 36.

When you want to come off your medication, you must be desperate, because you are afraid of all the things you've felt when you have missed just one dose.

The thing they don't tell you, is you will gain 90 lbs. You will think you are just getting fat, or eating poorly, until you keep a diet journal and an exercise log and find that you are eating well, you are working out regularly, you are still getting fat. You will get so fat you stop having sex. You will be so fat and numb you forget what sex is. You will be getting married, and wondering if you will ever feel like having sex again. You will watch the pounds continue to pile on. You will become depressed, you will feel helpless against these side-effects from the drug meant to stave off the depression, meant to lift the helplessness. You will find yourself trapped in circular thoughts about the side-effects from this drug that is supposed to rescue you from circular thought. You will feel desperate. You will feel depressed, heavily, so you don't want to leave the house or talk about "how things are going". You will be desperate to have control of your body again, and be off your medication.

The thing they don't tell you is, this process will take at least six months. It will take you more than one month just to stop taking the pills. It is a gradual step down, you go 75mg less per week. Week one is OK, in fact you convince yourself you actually feel better, have more energy, are enthusiastic about life in general. Week two you can't get out of bed, you are an hour and a half late for work because you sleep through your alarm completely, you are forced to tell your boss about the changes taking place. Week three begins the craziness, you have no stable emotions. You cry if you are angry, you cry if you are happy, you cry if you have to talk to someone. In general, this crying continues through weeks four and five. As the process continues you become severely insecure, any word or look can set you off, you feel like a crazy person because you have zero control over the crying or your brain. You throw a radio at a coworker just because you're sick of hearing them speak, forced to leave the building, come back 15 minutes later to apologize and try not to feel humiliated.

As weeks go on, your irritability increases. Your doctor says in six months it will pass, your father gives you a brochure on handling post acute withdrawal; it says avoid contact with stressful situations. Your irritability and levels of anxiety lead you to believe contact of any kind with the rest of the world is a stressful situation.

The thing they don't tell you, is when you come off the drug you will suffer physical side-effects. You will be dizzy for days at a time, you will have migraines daily, you will have tremors and shake, your ankles will become too swollen to walk for no reason and you assume it must be some kind of detox process, the same goes for the intense pains in your gallbladder and liver. Your PMS will increase. You will spend days sick to your stomach.

Fast forward, months four and five, you think you may be normal. You aren't bright and cheery, but you think you've stepped back into life, constant emotional chaos is dropped into the deep. Move forward, step out. You haven't felt sick in a while, so it seems all withdrawal symptoms have dissipated. So in month six you are blind-sided when crowds make you hyperventilate, when loud places leave you nauseous, when left stressed and teary-eyed by any change ups (like a summer vacation) in your routine.

The thing they don't tell you, is you're left wondering if you'll always be damaged, the forever recovering addict, after your stint on the medication.

The thing they can' tell you, is if you are cured.